Glass Half Full

If you're a friend of mine, follow me on Twitter, or even read this blog, you may be under the impression that I'm an optimist, a gratitude seeker, someone who can find joy in the little things in life. While it's true that I strive to be this way, let me let you in on a little secret: I am a worry-wart. A Negative Nelly. A glass is half empty type of gal, at least when it comes to my own little life. 

Recently, I was in Ohio for a family wedding. My 80-year-old grandpa had an appointment scheduled with a surgeon the following day for an aneurysm that had just been found on a routine ultrasound. Naturally, thinking of it ahead of time, I asked him how he was holding up. He said "Why would I think about that today? The appointment isn't until tomorrow. I'll think about it then." 

Oh, to have that as my mentality... to stay positive, or better yet, not dwell on a particular event or situation until the moment that you're actually facing it? I truly am the opposite, and find it difficult to think of anything else if there is something negative to worry about. It's as if I actually think that worrying, focusing, obsessing over what's to come can somehow stop it from happening. It's the little piece of control that I have in this uncertain world, right? Wrong. 

Enter my new mantra: Worry is not preventative. It does not stop something bad from happening, it does not make you more prepared, it does not superstitiously give you a better chance of good news. It depletes your resources, creates clouds on an otherwise sunny day, and robs you of the joy you do have in your life. 

Let me be honest... realizing this and taking it to heart is the first step on a long journey for me. As I said, worry is a well worn path in my mind, and it takes a lot of courage to take a step on a road that's rarely been traveled. But, why not give it a try? Whether it's something small (a challenging meeting you're not looking forward to, an unpleasant conversation with a friend) or something larger (a worrisome doctor visit), I'm making a conscious effort to attack it more positively and let go of the fear that this means I "deserve" something bad. 

Here are some small things I'm finding helpful as I begin this journey: 

+ Finding a friend who truly understands and can say "Girl, you're crazy" in a nice & supportive way. 
+ At the end of every day, thinking of (or writing down) 3 things you're grateful for about that day, and 3 things you're looking forward to about tomorrow. 
+ Changing my iPhone wallpaper to a positive quote or sentiment, so I see it throughout the day. 
+ When you find yourself saying "What if [terrible thing] happens?", also look at the reverse side, "what if [terrible thing] doesn't happen?". 

I know that many of you may struggle with this as well, so I invite you to join me on my quest to see the glass as half full. Let's start small, dip our toes in the water, and see where it takes us.

{Image via Pinterest}

Currently Loving

Things have been hectic recently with a busy schedule at work and several out of town trips, but it's always important to take the time savor the small things that bring us joy.

+ Crawling into bed early with a good book (this week, it's The Fault in Our Stars)
+ Nude nail polishes (Deborah Lippmann's Naked, Essie's Au Natural) 
+ Trader Joe's Cookie Butter (on toast, with sea salt pita chips, on a spoon) 
+ Maxi dresses (could wear one every day of the week) 
+ Arnold Palmers (half lemonade half iced tea) from Chick-Fil-A 
+ Soy iced chai lattes (savoring one as I type) 
+ Pandora's Summer Hits of the 90s station (it's like a time machine) 
+ The Bachelorette (I can't help it, I just love that Emily Maynard) 
+ Bright pink lip gloss/stick/stain (Revlon's Kissable Balm Stain in Lovesick is my go-to)
+ Paper'd iPhone wallpaper app (beautifully designed, inspirational, one for every mood)

{Image via Pinterest}

Lip Stain & Inspiration

Despite the craziness that has been May, here are a few things that I've been loving lately: 

•  Revlon's new Bitten Kissable Balm Stains - I'm a relatively new lip color lover, but these are everything that I love wrapped up into one. Long lasting, moisturizing, and very pigmented colors. I own Honey, Smitten, and Lovesick and have worn them all recently. (And I absolutely blame Ashley for my love of lipsticks, especially bright pinks)
  
• Library e-book lending for the Kindle - My love of reading knows no bounds, aside from the limits of my bank account. Recently, I started getting e-books for my Kindle through my local library's website. Though there are a limited number of copies and typically a short wait, it's a cinch to download & I feel like I'm buying e-books for free. Currently, I'm reading Maine by J. Courtney Sullivan (perfect for this time of year!) and next on tap are Night Circus for my book club, and The Fault In Our Stars, which has come highly recommended. 

•  Netflix Instant - While I was under the weather, TV shows and movies kept me sane. I relived those Bayside High memories in Saved By The Bell (I still have a crush on Zack Morris), started watching Brothers & Sisters from the beginning, and savored the first season of Sherlock (Benedict Cumberbatch, I heart you). Also, I just learned on Monday that they now have ALL seasons of Dawson's Creek. 

• Online inspiration - Caiti's Personal Blog Oath echoed exactly how I feel about blogging, Amy's new design had me thinking of sprucing up my own little corner of the internet, Rachel's week in the life posts kept a smile on my face, and Sarah's post about peonies inspired me to buy some flowers of my own.   

What are you loving this month? 

{image via Pinterest} 

Bespectacled Change of Attitude

May has been a challenging month for me in many ways. I've been struggling with a wacky eye issue that involved dilating my pupils every day for 2 weeks, leaving me to practically live as a vampire in dimly lit rooms. I had to cancel many social plans, work from home just a few hours a day, and survive on Netflix Instant and take-out. As a person that thrives on routine and gets anxious about health issues, I was nearly pushed to my limit.

I'm happy to report that things are on the mend, and I've slowly been able to return to the land of the living. To say that a shift in perspective has occurred is a great understatement -- things like driving my car, walking outside in sunshine, and reading a book before bed now feel like luxuries instead of things I did each day and took for granted. It's also made me realize that so many things that I worry about on a daily basis are really small potatoes. 

For example, my biggest struggle was getting over the vanity of it all: I wear contacts normally, but have been forced to wear glasses and in most cases dark sunglasses as well, even for a simple trip to the grocery store. This past Saturday was the wedding of 2 dear friends, and sure to be a very fancy and formal occasion. I had picked what I was going to wear weeks in advance, and had planned on looking my best. But then, a few days before, I wasn't even sure if I'd be able to make it. Even when I was told that I (finally!) could stop taking the dilating drops, I was so sad that I'd have to wear my silly glasses to this wedding I'd look forward to for so long. I knew there would be a million pictures taken, and I still had that mentality that I looked horrendous and unrecognizable in my glasses. 

I let myself feel sad about it for a few days, but I awoke Saturday morning with a renewed sense of positivity - I wasn't going to dwell on it, I was just going to sport my specs and own it, gosh darn it! And the result? I had a wonderful time, I even got compliments (a friend even said I should wear them more often!), and by the end of the evening, I totally forgot I was wearing them. 

And the takeaway? The ONLY thing you can control is your own attitude, and how you react to things. There are so many times that I have gotten down in the dumps for not having the right outfit to wear, chipped nail polish, or feeling that I looked bedraggled. But when it comes down to it, none of that matters -- I had a good time at the wedding because I allowed myself to have a good time. No one else cared what I looked like, they were just happy I was there. 

P.S. A post about glasses would be remiss without mentioning Warby Parker, the fabulously affordable company where I bought both pairs of glasses that I own. This company has the best customer service I've ever encountered, seriously fashionable frames, and a great mission statement. If you're a fellow glasses wearer, check them out immediately.

Long Lost Treasures

This past weekend, I went home to Ohio for a bridal shower. While I usually cram my visits there with as many social engagements as the calendar can hold, this time, I knew better. Since April has been such a busy month, I was craving a retreat of sorts, and my dad's house was the perfect haven. I decided that aside from the shower, I would stay put and bask in the glory of quality over quantity. 

After the hectic day of the shower, I decided to head down to the basement, where I have a stack of boxes from high school, moving out of my childhood home, and college. I grabbed the box at the top of the stack, and realized it was essentially "My Life in a Box". Knick knacks from my childhood, a Precious Moments figurine, a music box that played "Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head made by my grandfather... it was as if I could picture my childhood bedroom, with everything in its proper place. 

As I dug deeper, I unearthed notes passed to me in the halls of high school by my best friend, good luck "telegrams to the stars" sent to me backstage during the musical my senior year, and some choral music that I (whoops!) never returned to my college's music department. But then, I spied something I honestly forgot that I had -- a little cedar box where I had stored my most treasured possessions.

As I opened the box, I found some of my favorite pictures from my childhood (two of them pictured above). The first was my dad's favorite picture of me, from our backyard when I was about 4 years old. The second was a picture of my first communion at church, with my mom, dad, and grandparents on my mom's side, both of whom have passed away. I also found a card sent to me at college by my beloved Grandma Betty, who passed away this past July, that shared that she'd just finished watching Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy, and had enclosed $20 for me to spend "as I pleased". 

But then, tucked down beneath love letters from my high school boyfriend, something sparkly hit the light, and I caught my breath. Could it be, the necklace that I'd searched high and low for years before? Indeed, just lying at the bottom of the box was a diamond necklace that my mom gave me for my 21st birthday. At the time, the summer before my senior year of college, I barely realized the importance of such a gift. You see, she'd had it made using the diamonds from her engagement and wedding ring from my dad. They divorced when I was 16, and it was an incredibly difficult time for me. They had no use for the precious stones any longer, but to me, their only child and the self proclaimed best thing that came from their marriage, it was a treasure. 

I wore it a few times back then, and then apparently tucked it away in this important box and forgot about it. After moves after college and eventually away from Ohio, I had no idea where the necklace had wound up. It often upset me greatly, as I had grown to truly appreciate the sentiment and all it stood for. 

The next day, I had already planned on having lunch with my mom. I appeared proudly wearing the necklace, and she wept with happiness that the lost treasure had been found. We went to the jeweler who had made the piece and had it cleaned and the chain shortened, and now I plan on keeping it close to my heart (and in my jewelry box) for many, many years to come.

Letting Go

We plan, we worry, we vent... all because we want to feel like we have more control over things in our lives. From the smallest details to the most life-changing, we don't like that feeling that we are powerless. When we feel it slipping through our fingers, when someone else suddenly has the power to upset us, when we realize we did all that worrying for nothing -- THAT is when it becomes clear that we don't have as much control as we thought we did. 

For some (including me), worrying makes us feel like we have more control. When getting ready to go onstage for a play in high school, I remember worrying about why I didn't feel worried. What could that mean? I was supposed to feel worried, that made me feel prepared, like all of my ducks were in a row. I didn't feel comfortable embracing the thought that I had done all that I could to prepare, and that I would do my best once the play began. 

I'm facing an incredibly busy month this April. Ever since February, merely turning the page to April in my calendar made me a little anxious. From huge work deadlines to multiple bridal showers and a trip out of town, I knew I had to get serious about two things once the calendar flipped to April: planning and self-care. And, about 2 weeks ago, I realized I was going to have to do something I really didn't like to do: say no, reschedule a few things, and delegate. In other words, let go of a little control. 

Admitting that I can't do it all is very difficult for me. But, getting overwhelmed, being anxious, and becoming very frazzled if I don't have enough downtime is extremely easy for me. I needed to find that balance for April before I collapsed in a heap, watching episode after episode of Saved by the Bell (which is now on Netflix Instant - amazing!) and avoiding all responsibilities. 

The first step was assessing what needed to leave my plate. A visit with my best girlfriend from home was scheduled mid-month, and I had been looking forward to it for ages. But what state would I be in, when that weekend was sandwiched between an out-of-town trip and a huge project at work? With a heavy heart, I called up my very understanding girlfriend and rescheduled her visit for later this summer. As soon as I hung up the phone and deleted the multi-day event from my calendar, I began to feel lighter. 

Next was a difficult conversation at work regarding giving up a particular project. Even though there was a million reasons why it made more sense for this other person to take over (and this person had even suggested it), I struggled with letting go. I felt that it was a reflection on my character, my abilities. What would other people think? What would this person think? 

But, the positive aspects of these decisions far outweigh the negative. Being able to see what to keep and what to get rid of is actually a sign of strength, not weakness. Letting go of control, of worry, and of negative energy is one of the best things we can do for ourselves.

What can you let go of this week? Be prepared for some growing pains, but the peace that follows is worth the struggle. 

{Photo taken by me at the park this weekend}

Enough

 Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow. - Melody Beattie

Gratitude has been on my mind recently, specifically the thought of being grateful with what you have. It all began with the season of Lent. Although I haven't really "given something up" for Lent since I was in 8th grade (Whatchamacallit candy bars), this year, I felt compelled to revisit the idea. Another personal goal has been reigning in my personal spending, since I have no willpower when it comes to purchasing yet another striped shirt or bottle of nail polish. But what started with a simple wish to curb clothing + cosmetic purchases has really opened my eyes to how the attitude of "what you have is enough" translates to other areas of my life. 

I've been wishing for a new stereo for my car, since I don't have an audio in port capable of listening to music/podcasts from my iPhone. It was really bumming me out, since I'd basically had the same CDs on repeat (hello, Katy Perry) for months. It left me feeling kind of impatient and bored while I was driving, and I had been relying on making phone calls -- safely, with earbuds in -- on my commutes to & from work. Tuesday morning, on my way to work, I randomly turned on the radio, which was tuned to the local NPR station. Eureka! I've never been a big NPR person, but something about hearing the time, weather, and breaking news in soothing voices was a great preparation for my day. It's my new ritual, and something easy, free, and available to me all along.

Along with my obsession with nail polish, I've also been on a lipstick/lip gloss kick recently. I found I was purchasing a few a month, always looking for that "perfect" color (I am my mother's daughter). But was I actually wearing lipstick or gloss that often? Though my purse boasted 5+ that I could swipe on at any given moment, how often was I actually appreciating and using what I already had? So now, I'm making an effort to wear it daily. Even today, when I'm wearing my glasses, I'm impressed by how pulled together some color on my lips makes me feel.

I can also become a little gloomy when I think about how far away I live from so many of my loved ones -- but am I appreciating the friendships I've made here? Due to my introverted ways, not really. These past 2 weeks I've had dinner with an old friend I hadn't seen in two years (but that lives mere miles down the road), set a date to have a relaxing night at a dear friend's apartment, and hosted a classic movie night with pizza & Ferris Bueller's Day Off.  

In truth, what I have is enough. Whether it's something small and material like lip gloss or as important as investing in a friendship, blessings abound. I don't need anything else, and taking this time to focus in on that (while also saving a bit of pocket change) is a journey I'm enjoying with every step. 

{Image via Pinterest}